It’s Saturday night, about 6:45 and I’m in bed. Today has been rough. Usally I really look foward to Saturday morning. I go garage sailing. Its always the days big event, I usually push myself to begin with, so when I’m done I am physically exhausted. Today I just didnt have it in me.
I have stabbing head pains right now on my left side, and my left leg is in excruiting pain. It feels like like a constant flow of electricity. Brain fog is extremly thick, but that never changes or goes away.
Suicide is high in the Lyme comminity. I understand completly. There have been many of days when I have felt that this is too much. I would never do it for the sake of my children. I remember when I had my IV, I would have to drive to Palm Desert for treatment. So many times I thought of flooring it into the back of a semi..I just wanted it to be done, and be back to normal.
One of my biggest fears is of my children finding me dead in the morning. Theres times when you question when is enough, enough?
I guess I’m given grace moment to moment. There are times I think it would be easier for everyone, and I’m a burden. Then there are also times when I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be and this will strengthen me and my family.Maybe I’m the one in ltitle Palm Springs who is to bring awareness to Lyme Disease. Im wearing sunglasses and a ruffly old bonnet that I found at a antique store. Its hurts to look at the computer.
It’s a weird and puzzling feeling to have so many emotions. To be powerless, wait on God and pray treatment will get these horrible symptoms under control. Its not the type of pain where you take a vicodin or norco and you find relief. It is the type where you want to gouge your eyes out, and is somewhat paralyzing.
Thats when all the emotions come in that are all over the map, and I guess that’s when God’s grace comes in to get me thru. I want to live, and I want to want to. For a long time I was in a dark place where I didn’t care. It felt like it would be less stress for everyone, and who wants to live everyday in pain anyways?? Pray I never get to a point when I’m too tired and give up. That scares me. It has just been this last week or two I’ve really been trying to be positive. I want to care.
His word says ” to give me a future and a hope”, and that my friends to me hopefully means growing old, raising my beautiful girls, many anniversarys with my wonderful husband, and having much compassion and heart for those who suffer and that I will be able to comfort others one day as i have been comforted.
I know my gift is with people. I care. I always have. Everyone has a story. Though the sufferings might be of all different extremes. The pain is the same. Pain is pain. physical, mental, emotional. Whatever it may be. It ALL sucks.
I pray for anyone hurting tonight..May peace fill you and may you find renewed strength..
Love u world…