Sigh…It has been so long. I have wanted to blog so many times but just haven’t had the energy. Last few weeks have been crazy. Sold our home, moved into a new one, and moved out 5 weeks later due to mold. Now we are unpacking in another house. Home is where the heart is!
Saw my llmd last Friday in San Diego. It was disappointing . She feels my gut still isn’t ready to tolerate any form of treatment now. I felt so defeated knowing it is going to be at least another 4 weeks before getting started. The reality of being sick and recovery being a long road really hit me. There is almost a part of me that is mourning time passed, and the future to come. I home to wake one day and miraculously be healed. Who knows maybe this is the thorn in my side to keep me close to God?? His ways aren’t ours and we may never understand why.
I do know if it doesn’t kll me it will only make me stronger.
Physically and emotionally I have been all over the map. I started Gabapentin for the nerve pain in my legs. It seems to be helping. Over all my body still hurts on a daily basis and I continue to not keep food down. If I stand for any period of time the pain in my lower back is unbearable. My strength is less and less, I hate going out in public due to the stimulation and my body feels like old hardwood floors.
I know deep in my soul all this sickness will change lives and so much good will come of this. Not just for me but for many others. That is how God works..
But like any other there are moments of doubt where keeping my head up day after day proves to be challenging. I know it’s Gods grace thats gets me through.
There are days..like today that are so taxing, I often wonder, or feel as if I could die. I don’t like to speak these things out loud and yes I know our words have power. I have always felt I was gonna die young. I have moments where I wonder if God is preparing those around me, or those I love.
I have said it before. My desire is to grow old with my amazing children and husband. To see my beautiful girls grow into godly women and fall asleep in my husbands arms, rocking on our front porch.
Who knows what Gods will for my life is. He says it is for a future and a hope.
There is a handful of people who I called or texted today. It weighed very heavily on me today to share with these people that they have some way touched me or bettered me and have a special place in my heart. Some were but a moment, some a season, some a reason and some a lifetime. I didn’t want to live another day knowing at any given moment, we could be called home. When I was done I felt a sense of relief. It was as if my soul could rest.
I know other people suffering from this horrific, debilitating disease understand these feelings and thoughts.
everything hurts..so I must say goodnight for now.
Love to you!!