carpe diem

 

Well it was a good 4 days. The first two were wonderful. I took walks pain free. I felt like Forrest Gump when he broke out his leg braces. I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to end the unexpected.

Day three leg pain started to rear it’s ugly head, but on a emotional high I fought back refusing to end or accept that I had my ” good ” days for the month.

But here I am forced to lay down. I’m once again reminded that I live with chroic dis-ease.

My legs feel as though they are being torched from the inside. Burning. Crackling. Like a campfire. I imagine that’s what it would look like inside. Flaming red hot.

I’m ever so grateful that I was physically refreshed even if it was only a few days.

Simple things become so rewarding. Who knew you’d wanna pat yourself on the back for doing dishes, making breakfast, managing 2 or more pots on the stove at the same time.

Don’t take for granted the simple things because one day they may not be be so simple.

I am continually learning to ” carpe diem ”
No matter the circumstance.

Through Christ who strengthens me, I can do all things.

I must go now. I pray for all my peeps and their peeps too!

God knows our pain. He hears our cry. He hasn’t left you or forsaken you.

Sweet dreams of angels and butterflies

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Though the sorrow may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.

Well Hello WORLD!!!

WOW!!!! These last 2 weeks have been the DARKEST. I  can say I have ever experienced. Dark in the sense, of feeling no hope, giving in, surrendering, trying to fight but can’t find the will power, wondering if you are gonna wake up in the morning. Covertly prepping your children in case you die,

I need to thank these incredible people in my life who encourage, support and love me. For you my friends are divinely placed. I feel honored to suffer this illness with each and everyone of you, and I pray for you daily. Know you are my sisters and brothers, and I hold you in the highest regard.

SO… I am home. In the last three days I have had a bday!  Thank you very much! Been in the ER twice, once by ambulance, had a picline put in and started home health…and lost 10 pounds in 12 days..

Not to mention the non stop vomiting, the acid in my system is so bad, you pray for someone to put you out of misery. Vomiting over and over, dry heaving, tearing off your clothes sweating perfusly, then bundled in blankets freezing cold. You can’t lay down for if you do, the burning will only intensify and trigger more vomiting. Praying to just fall asleep, but afraid you might not wake up.

All the while seeking God in the darkest of hours truly takes you to a whole nother level of something I can’t put to words.

 It’s dark, its light, It’s scary. It’s possibly facing your mortality.

 

 

Twice it happened. First in the ER everything started to fade to black. I told Josh I think this could be it, im scared. I might be dying.

 

If you don’t have lyme this is something you could never understand.Lyme Disease is Physical and Mental torture. I try to explain it as clearly as
I can with my words.But, you won’t get it, till you got it.

So…today is the first day I haven’t vomited.I have been on Iv’s most the day, and I have another 11hrs left tonight.

They are hoping to keep me hydrated, and possibly start antibiotics on Monday.. I also have an upper gi scope monday morning. I pray this is the begining of the end for this chapter.

Never, never take your health, your mind, for granted.

Life is so much more than earthly and fleshy possessions, Take care of the gifts God has entrusted to you.One of then being your body. If something feels off listen to that inner spirit. ( thats the Holy Spirit ) Our bodies don’t lie. If you know someone who has weird symptoms…please remenber Lyme.

And believe in your heart ” ALL THINGS COME TOGETHER FOR GOOD”

Love you all so very much!!!

  

 

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every thing for a reason

I want to blog. I usually lay in bed for some time and think about it before I actually get on the computer. I think ” all the effort..spellcheck, capitalizing, punctuation,” “oh my”

May sound silly to you but takes a lot of work.

I’m sick. My body is at that shut down mode..I haven’t taken any of my meds today. Have had heavy vomiting the last few days. Its like war in my stomach..Like being hung over from tequilla, then someone sticking the bottle to your nose.

My head space is off. I feel like an old boarded up vacant motel 6 in the middle if the desert.

I base what I am gonna eat on how bad it will burn later when I throw it up. (Mind you my selection is very limited to begin with ) 83 percent of the time, I do not have an appetite to begin with, so its like trying to get blood from a turnip. ( is that how the saying goes ? )

I am very grateful to my brother and his wife . They have really been a huge help and support. They came into town this weekend and cooked a beautiful dinner for my family. Julie made a whole batch of something for us to make during the week. Good thing..cuz pretty soon my kids would have been asking the neighbors for a jelly sandwich. ( Josh does a great job )

I used to love to cook. Not that I was any good, but I liked trying new recipes. Now I couldn’t make a salad and boil water at the same time if I had to.

I feel yucky. I think this is what it feels like to die. I get like 20 minute spurts of energy then im down for hours.

Other Lyme sufferers are amazing. I believe people who suffer daily are on a whole different level on consciousness.. You dont struggle to live daily and not be changed.

I feel super scattered and all over the place.

My brother David is coming in town tomorrow from Vegas.

I hope this isn’t our last goodbye.

I want to share…

whatever happens I am in Gods hands.

What ever it is.. I just want it to hurry..

If I’m to get well, let it be now.

If im to go home to be with the Lord, let it be now..

I just want to not be sick anymore. I am emotionally detaching from my husband and children out of possible fear.

I need an immediate intervention of the heart. I want to want to fight for my children. If you pray please pray for me..

much love

these are just the ups and downs that come from Lyme Disease

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being a “sick” mommy

Could you imagine when you were a child hearing all the time ” I’m sorry but mommy doesn’t feel good?” Uhh. Hello?

Well it seems to come out of my mouth more than I’d like. Let me explain.

There is nothing more I want then to be there. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This is an important time in their life, in the world around us. I need to teach them. The things of meaning.   ( maybe this is why I am sick ?)  ( I could be teaching those things maybe if I was running around like a chicken. )

( Maybe it took me being bed ridden, to slow down, so I may learn these lessons and pass them on…)  That’s the Jesus in me talking.

I believe that to be true, and honestly this journey of being sick, although it is Hell. I  know..Like the word of God..This too is priceless..

I hurt for my children. I hurt or their loss. I loved being a mom, driving kids, going to the class, trips, who’s playing with who?  Just the everyday conversations..

Now, I haven’t a clue where their there going, when they are going, what their doing! nothing! I am so far out of the loop from being sick and not being able to participate it is a flipping joke. I hate it!

The one thing you want is to be around your children, but sick with Lyme….you don’t want o be around anybody!!
including your children. That hurts my heart!

It’s the niose and the jumping, the screaming and laughing. It’s all those different motions and sounds that makes you want to gouge yours eyes out!

Talk about a catch 22…

They don’t understand. Maddy doesn’t want to know. I think in her mind she has seen enough. Grace just wants to be mommys helper..

I try to reassure them how much I love them, and I want to be at  all their activities and Lord willing one day I will.. But, I also want  them to be so strong in their faith that no matter what happens to me  they know who they are in Jesus Christ, and if mommy died, I would be seated a the right hand of the throne. For these bodies are just earthly vessels. Our real inheritance lies in Heaven

I know God is working on my children through this. They will be stronger, wiser, loving and more compassionate!  These are his children, he has entrusted to me. So with that said, he already knows..He is probably looking down saying ” ah, I have them all where I want them”…

When we are in those uncomfortable places its then we grow. When we are stretched, pushed, shoved, torn, broken, all those things…Its when we really start to shine. That’s when all the suffering, heartache, pain and trials turn into light and brightness, wisdom and discernment..

Thats priceless!

Father God,

I know you have me where I am to be, and my children too.I know your plan is perfect and you are good. Please Lord God fill my girls supernaturally that even tho they may be lacking mommy now, that my words I do speak are so of you and filled with you that its refills any emptiness their heart may have…

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let me find God in all of this

Hello world,

Wonder who you are?? Ah, it is so beautiful outside and my souls sings listening to the sounds of nature. My eyes take joy in the shapes and ridges in the beautiful mountain. The clean crisp air, the sound of running water, the chirp of tiny birds….its like Heavens Gate.

So it is the 6th…That gives me ..5 more days. What if  I was right?

I probably couldn’t be so lucky.

Listen.. For me.. To live is Christ, to die is gain..

Either way it is a win, win situation.

But you see, If I know my God correctly I’m probably not done yet..

During this process there have already been MANY blessings that wouldnt have otherwise happened.  I may feel deathly sick, and have a hard time trying to pull it together,But in my heart I know without a doubt if God called me to carry this, then by all means it will be good! I may suffer daily.

But if its a lfetime, it is still but a moment.

Thats what is in my heart..

My body hurts something terrible. I feel old…My body feels old. I have carpol tunnel in both hands. So holding, opening, cutting, pouring..all those things are a task now. Where as before I never thought twice about opening a jar of jelly!

I take baths, showering takes up way to much energy and is exhausting.

Cant pick up my children or have them sit to long on my lap as it will start to hurt.

Used to love to refinish old furniture. No way Jose..can’t even hold a sander.

No longer do grocery shopping. Josh does. It became so overwhelming with the lights, the packaging, the loaded shelves, the noise…all of a sudden I couldnt think anymore and when I checked out I had no idea hat I just bought.

I missd both of my daughters xmas musicals this year. Before I was there an hour early to ensure a great seat.

Unless you have Lyme or other another Chronic illness. You will never understand, or could never underdstand.

It has to be lived. Words cant explain the different pains you have in a single day, or the confusion, or loss of memory. It’s like a drug counselor. Unless you stayed up tweaking for two days, you really don’t have a clue..

I try my best to explain what living with Lyme is like for me.

I hate it!

I feel robbed, empty, confused, tortured, stripped…

I don’t question why, I do ask how much more can I endure.

It’s usually right then, I get a random message from an old friend saying ” hang on”…

For me, I know that is the Lord’s way of saying ” see my child Iam right there with you”..He says ” he will never leave us or forsake us”

Think about it.. We are all so sick, and each day by HIS grace, and HIS grace ALONE..do we get thru..

We will be the example and the faces of LYME DISEASE. He felt we were strong enough to carry this burden..to carry this oh so heavy load.

WE get the gift of compassion with this sickness!!! amazing..What if everyone was compassionate?

Days like today, I havent a ounce of energy. My souls would love to get dressed and go live life, but my body doesn’t agree. That is why I like driving. I get to be out, in my quiet space. Then I just park and ponder.

What ever your pain, hurt or suffering know it’s not eternal..

Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying..

 

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So here I am. My last few attemps, I quit half way.

I am in a very dark place now. I’m not sure if its intuition, Lyme disease,  or the depression that comes from being sick every single fu***ng day. I don’t normally curse, and I know it doesn’t glorify God.

I ache for all the people who suffer from the crippling, crushing, life robbing, soul stealing disease, I ache for my children and husband, who have a shell of a mother and wife..

You don’t know. You will never understand until you are sick. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month….

You can’t understand the physical pain from dressing, when it hurts to pull your shirt over your head, or hurts to put your shoes on..So fatigued all you can do is lay in bed. At that point getting up to use the restroom is overwhelming .Could go days without eating except I have to take 30 sum pills a day..

One minute I could be sitting up, the next Im vomiting curled up to the toilet on the bathroom floor

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Hello World,

Sigh…It has been so long. I have wanted to blog so many times but just haven’t had the energy. Last few weeks have been crazy. Sold our home, moved into a new one, and moved out 5 weeks later due to mold. Now we are unpacking in another house. Home is where the heart is!

Saw my llmd last Friday in San Diego. It was disappointing . She feels my gut still isn’t ready to tolerate any form of treatment now. I felt so defeated knowing it is going to be at least another 4 weeks before getting started. The reality of being sick and recovery being a long road really hit me. There is almost a part of me that is mourning time passed, and the future to come. I home to wake one day and miraculously be healed. Who knows maybe this is the thorn in my side to keep me close to God??  His ways aren’t ours and we may never understand why.

I do know if it doesn’t kll me it will only make me stronger.

Physically and emotionally I have been all over the map. I started Gabapentin for the nerve pain in my legs. It seems to be helping. Over all my body still hurts on a daily basis and I continue to not keep food down. If I stand for any period of time the pain in my lower back is unbearable. My strength is less and less, I hate going out in public due to the stimulation and my body feels like old hardwood floors.

I know deep in my soul all this sickness will change lives and so much good will come of this. Not just for me but for many others. That is how God works.. 

But like any other there are moments of doubt where keeping my head up day after day proves to be challenging. I know it’s Gods grace thats gets me through.

There are days..like today that are so taxing, I often wonder, or feel as if  I could die. I don’t like to speak these things out loud and yes I know our words have power.  I have always felt I was gonna die young. I have moments where I wonder if God is preparing those around me, or those I love.

I have said it before. My desire is to grow old with my amazing children and husband. To see my beautiful girls grow into godly women and fall asleep in my husbands arms, rocking on our front porch.

Who knows what Gods will for my life is. He says it is for a future and a hope.

There is a handful of people who I called or texted today. It weighed very heavily on me today to share with these people that they have some way touched me or bettered me and have a special place in my heart. Some were but a moment, some a season, some a reason and some a lifetime. I didn’t want to live another day knowing at any given moment, we could be called home. When I was done I felt a sense of relief. It was as if my soul could rest.

I know other people suffering from this horrific, debilitating disease understand these feelings and thoughts.

everything hurts..so I must say goodnight for now.

Love to you!!

Meredith~

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